Sober living is wrought with obstacles - the obvious one is no longer my biggest challenge. God says you may have any and all of this, but none of that, and although I’ve surrendered, any given day presents a variety of choices that test my willingness or ability to follow His will, rather than my own. When things go well I begin trusting myself more; when things go poorly I desperately clamor for help again. The more I seek affirmation in the world for my existence, the weaker my reliance on Him. I’ve found addiction to food, people, ideas, success, old tropes of failure, work as avoidance from suffering, any fixation of mind in place of that eternal longing for God. And my idea of God? Bigger as I’ve seen Him working in my life, but of course smaller than He must be. I didn’t create myself, couldn’t manifest trees and oceans and stars or the breath of life within another human (a gift in pairing), but this vastness is only perceived in relativity; a function of my experience.
When consumed by fear, my muscles tighten. My jaw locks, my thoughts race. I become reactive (or paralyzed, whichever the case may be), unable to respond mindfully as I’ve practiced and prefer. I’m anxious, frustrated, confused. My mind becomes my enemy - I am at my worst. As someone living with trauma and alcoholism, this is also a familiar state - dysfunctionally comfortable. The devil, I know. With alcohol I learned to soothe that ache - without, I can be tossed about by fear again.
Religion has perhaps amplified our confusion - here we are fallen from Eden, each stained by sin against our indwelling God and humankind. When I win I think, “God is good! I deserve this..” When I lose I lament, “God is punishing me!” Worse - “I imagined Him.” In both cases, at the center of my thoughts is me - my intentions, my expectations, my limitations. We are created as manifestations of God’s presence to grow in His likeness and awareness, but living this Truth requires the perpetual surrender to realizing we are not God - we will never know all. Thank God it must be!
Accepting Grace is knowing there is nothing I could ever do to earn redemption - that is, inner absolution for one’s earthly harms. Although we strive to be more like Christ in His ways (imperfect as humans are), the beauty of being unable to earn this gift is the impossibility of it ever being removed by any power earthly or otherworldly. The only power I have in maintaining control of my body and mind is remaining committed to spiritual growth, knowing that if and when I inevitably fail, only God’s unfailing mercy and eternal Grace can save me. Amazing Grace, how can it be practiced so imperfectly?
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“When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
James 1:16-18